"OK first things first, I'll eat your brains
Then I'ma start rocking gold teeth and fangs
Cuz that's what a mothaf*kin monster do..."
So, here's my story.
I have no story.
I am a human female.
I have a bunch of degrees.
See? Already boring, and much worse than Ms. Nicki Minaj's verse above, from Monster, which must be one of the greatest verses ever written.
But, in listening to some rap, I noticed that it is customary for a rapper to introduce themselves. Nicki tells EVERYBODY who she is, in Monster. You do not walk away from hearing her on that track without knowing EXACTLY who she is (or presents herself to be).
Eminem's first release was My Name Is. The track starts out, "Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)" He is introducing himself to you as a weird angry dude who curses a lot and throws around pop culture references and commentary like he's MST-3000, and was sent to piss the world off. You know exactly who he is (Slim Shady), when the song is over.
So, again, here I am. Here's my story. I have no story. I have infinite stories. I have infinite commentary. I don't give two tiny rats' arses. I'm from everywhere.
Argh, still bad. Okay let me try something else, then.
Let me see if I can do an introduction, a'la Nicki Minaj and Eminem and numerous other rappers in recent history.
OK first things first, I'll take my thoughts
Then I'ma start rocking sharp wit and tropes
Cuz that's what a mothaf*kin writer do
Woman writer on a blog that's contemporary too
Writer creates a platform that's a writer move
Big money in notoriety and in memoirs true
And I'm all up all up in the internets with the rest of you
And if I'm noticed I don't notice cuz the trending's late
So let me get this straight, wait I'm the newbie?
Blogs and vlogs and SoundCloud and YouTube too
Tardy to the party, I'm last in line
But when I make an entrance then the party's mine
Fashionably late I'm another stunning mind
Degrees so high I'm beyond the graduated kind
Room to groom a new audience I find it, mind it
But really really I don't give a W-T-F LOL
Forget business, f**k platforms, they're fake
People selling themselves all night and all day
If Google hasn't bought you yet then Facebook may
And I'll say this business is not for everybody
Just trashed my own career yeah it's a slow day
Besides, King, they can't write beside me
I think me, J.K, and Gaiman should write a screenplay
J/k Joanne don't have the time for
Big wigs tall tales genius authors
Now reread what you just saw, this is what you came for
Aaah I'm a mothaf*kin writer!
...Or something like that. I dunno. I guess I spent the last 15 minutes writing that when I could have been doing something more constructive, like, um, trying to figure out who I'm trying to talk to, who my audience will be, who might want to buy my words and thoughts, how I compare to the other writers and bloggers and journalists and YouTube/Instagram stars.
I don't think that way. That isn't who I am. Eventually I'll probably have to hire someone to do that kind of thing for me. All I really want to do is eat pizza, watch good TV, sit and think about the world, then get up and write about it. Can I get paid to do that...? Do you wanna pick my brain?
Okay, maybe not yet. But I'll getcha. I always do.
Ora non รจ il mio cavallo di battaglia, ma vedremo!
We shall see.
